I should start this off by saying I am
still searching and struggling in this area like crazy. Every day, my heart
asks more questions and finds more frustrations and wants romantic love to
enter my life. But God is writing me into a story, and in the process He has
begun to show me things that point my heart back to Him.
I
just started college, and I am attending Biola University, a small private
Christian college in Southern California. An interesting place for a small, private, conservative Christian college, one of the major results of
which (I think) is “ring by spring.” We joke about it, but people take it seriously. I
don’t think we ever quite realize just how seriously. As soon as you walk onto
campus, you get the sense that everyone is “shopping for a spouse." Any time I get dolled up for an
event and it seems like a guy notices me, I get the distinct impression he
is considering whether or not I could be his future wife.
For
the vast majority of students, this seems to work out pretty well. In most
cases, it is likely the Lord truly desires the relationships that form to happen. All
of us are practically swimming in a sea of people our age who love Jesus, so
what better place to look for and find a spouse? I, however, am already getting
tired of it. Most of the time, the matches don’t seem like they were made in
Heaven, they just seem really young, like the engaged couple in one of who can’t be much older than sophomores. Do they really know what marriage
is, and what it entails? And I am tired of feeling like I have to measure up to
someone’s expectations or get to know someone simply because he is interested
in me and we are at Bible college together. I find it sad that, in a place
where it is made so easy to focus on and learn so much about Jesus, all of us
are so focused on finding “the one.” It clouds our judgment and prevents us
from realizing how deep, passionate, and tender the Lord’s love is for His
people. The opposite gender distracts us from surrendering our stories to the
Lord and allowing Him to take us as far as we can go with Him in this life. We
don’t see it, but it is such a tragedy! So many fail to see and pursue the richness
of a truly intimate, radical relationship with Christ and Christ alone.
For
the past couple of weeks I’ve been really struggling with all these thoughts
and desires. There’s a boy I see all over the place (unfortunately, I have yet
to have a real conversation with him, but we’ll get there) who is really cute
and for some reason my emotions decided to tell me repeatedly that seeing him
everywhere meant we were somehow destined to be together. Can we say “emotional
roller coaster?” It’s been bad,
possibly the most driven distracted I’ve ever been by attraction to someone,
and much of it was not pure. But by God’s grace, somewhere along the line I
decided I wanted Jesus more, and I was able to seek Christ in the midst of the
turmoil of my feelings. I started asking how I could trust Him and love Him
more and asking how I am to honor Him as I wait for Him to bring someone into my
life, because it does get lonely and frustrating and exhausting, and
the desires are so strong.
A
friend of mine and I were talking it over, and she said something that struck
me: “I don’t think it’s about loving Jesus most, it’s about loving Him alone.” I had never thought of things
that way before, and it’s such a revolutionary distinction! Loving Jesus alone
instead of most. That suggests absolute contentment, trust, and rest in the richness
and intensity of His love. It means my heart is to be complete in Jesus and
know He is enough. It means I will not be constantly searching or waiting for a mortal
beloved, because I am so enthralled by my Heavenly Love that I can trust Him
implicitly with my earthly love story, and perhaps even stop having so much
desire for an earthly love as everything pales in comparison to Him.
Within
the same conversation, my friend brought me to another realization: if loving
Jesus is enough, if He is satisfying and beautiful and tender and intimate enough
for my heart, any earthly romance is truly just added joy. When the Lord
chooses to weave a relationship into my story, it will be because He has seen
fit to love me through the man He brings into my life. That takes my future
husband and I entirely out of the picture! We will be a means of imparting
Christ to each other, not satisfying and pleasing each other. What a beautiful,
humbling, hope-inspiring picture.
So I encourage you to fight the good fight, to see and seek Jesus as
enough for your heart. Be willing to sacrifice desire for an earthly love story
so He who is Divine can enthrall and romance your heart, interlacing your
soul with His, and proving Himself to be beautiful and absolutely sufficient.
On the lonely days or the times when you are struggling with intense desire and
attraction (because those days come all too often), be honest with Christ about
where your heart is, and continually lay these desires on the altar before Him.
Think of it as a fragrant offering. All He wants is to be enough for you. All
He wants is to satisfy you, romance your heart, and bring you the depth of
Heavenly joy. Sacrifice yourself! Allow Him to bring you to the place where He
is all you see, and your relationship with Him is as rich and deep and
beautiful as it can possibly be in this life.
As
for me, I’m done with waiting. I’m done with anticipating, hoping, longing. I’m
done with longing my heart sick. I’m frustrated with myself because I know it’s
wrong, and yet all of it enters my heart so often. And for some reason I don’t
want to let go of it and rest in the Lord. What is it that keeps me glancing up
and wondering about every guy who walks by, or that makes that little hope jump
into my heart every time the boy with his lesson after mine knocks
on my teacher's door? Why can I not just let go? I know it’s going to be a long
wait, and I’m afraid of the hopes making that wait painful and exhausting where
it could be rich and exhilarating. I want someone to think I’m amazing – to love
that I love John Mayer and have a weird fascination with light, water, and
Mason jars. And yet there’s the rub, because Jesus already does! He is already
passionately in love with me. He is ravished by my beauty, fascinated by my quirks,
and delights so deeply in every intricacy of who He made me to be. What a
richly beautiful, intensely intimate, painfully sweet God. A God who is enough.
May
He reveal this ever more deeply to all of our hearts, and may we always be open
to the movements of His Spirit in us.
Beholding your beauty is all that I long forTo worship you Jesus is my sole desireFor this very heart you have made for your pleasurePurposed to lift your name higher Here in surrender
In pure adorationI enter your courts with an offering of praiseI am your servant come to bring you gloryAs is fit for the work of your hands Now unto the Lamb who sits on the throne
Be glory and honor and praiseAll of creation resounds with the song –
Worship and praise Him, the Lord of lords. Spirit now living and dwelling within meKeep my eyes fixed ever on Jesus’ faceLet not the things of this world ever sway meI’ll run till I finish the race.
Now unto the Lamb, who sits on the throneBe glory and honor and praiseAll of eternity echoes the songWorship and praise him, the Lord of lords Holy Lord, you are holyJesus Christ is the Lord
Holy Lord, you are holyJesus Christ is the Lord Now unto the Lamb, who sits on the throneBe glory and honor and praiseCall all the sinners to join in the songWorship and praise him, the Lord of lords He’s Lord of lordsLord of lords
- "Lord of Lords" Hillsong United
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